Thursday, December 31, 2009


First day of the 4 day fast.

...I Look down

And all I see is failure. :/

Not that I've done THAT bad with my ABC.

But I deem it necessary to start over.


I havn't weighed myself in 3 days.

In all honestly...

I'm afraid.


I started chewing on a regular basis.

I hate it.

It's absolutely disgusting.

But it totally kills my appetite.

And if I do it on a totally empty stomach...

Sometimes I throw up.

A Plus.


Starting new years day.

I start working out every day.

Every single day.

I know that's not always possible.

But it's what I'm aiming for.


I'm guna try and post more tonight.

And if not I will fer sure be on tomorrow.

I love you guys :)



-Camille :)

Monday, December 21, 2009


The tears keep falling.
Getting a grip on all of this... is impossible.

My Family, My friends, My boyfriend.

I lie to him. I lie to them. All for what?
I have no reason for the lies that I tell.

Where I'm at. Who I'm with. What I do. Who I talk to. What I eat.
Why do I feel like it's worth it?
When did it get so bad?

I feel so undeserving of anything that will make me happy.

He deserves someone he can trust.
Someone who doesn't disappoint him on a daily basis.
Someone he can hold close and will make him as happy as I know he could be.
Someone... so unlike me.


This is it.
Food has completely taken ahold of me.
Ana is officially what I live for.

I feel so absolutely selfish.
And maybe I am.
Hell, I know I am.
I choose to break the trust of everyone who cares about me,
because I want to be thin.
I'm choosing looks over love.
How conceided is that?

The worst part is.
I know I'm not going to stop.
No matter what they say.
I'm here for Ana.
Nobody else.

They want to believe that therapy will help.
It wont.
They want to believe me when I say that I ate.
They can't.
They want to believe that I'm getting better.
I'm not.


I feel so undeserving.
Of love.
Of care.
Of food.

So I push it all away.

I get angry at myself for allowing myself simple things EVERYONE needs to survive.


I hit 120.
I was proud.
And then, In an instant...
all of these feelings of guilt came up and I just broke.

Is making it to 105 really worth risking the love of everyone who cares about me?
I feel like this disease is making me callous to this place.
All I want to see. All I want to feel. All I want to taste.
Is weight loss.

Anything else is second priority..
And I hate myself for that.


I've completely given myself to Ana.
This self-destructive disease is too much for me to handle alone.
Ana. Please help me.
I Need You.
I Love You.
Take me in.
Let me stay.




Friday, December 18, 2009


I'm going on day three of my 4 day fast :)

As of last night...

I'm at 122!



My spanish class is having a party next hour.


I'm not going to eat anything though. :)

I made pica de gallo for it.

I hope it's good cause I didn't test it. :p


How is everyone doing?

I hope all is well.

You guys keep me goin. :]

And I thank you very much!


I work today.

And tomorrow.

And sunday.

But I don't mind because it keeps me from bingeing!


I can see my hip bones.

And my ribs are showing more and more every day.



Best of luck to you girlies!



Thursday, December 17, 2009



Sippin ona cold sugar-free amp, sittin in first hour on the computer...

...I feel oober fantastic today.


I weighed myself last night.


I was surprised.

I've been binging the past few days...

...But I fasted yesterday.


I started ABC yesterday.

The first four days are fasting.

Feeling pretty in control for the first time in a long time.


I'm hoping to break 120 in the first week or so.


Even now, In a room full of people...

...I feel so alone.

You guys make me feel cared for.

I love you all so much :)





She cries her name and listens,
A soft echo in the night.
She reaches for her touch,
wanting arms around her tight.

But no one is there to hold her.
Nobody's there to hear.
She only wants a shoulder
to catch her falling tear.

She looks down at her hands,
Wondering how it'd feel.
The touch of her skin, the brush of her lips,
Teaching her to heal.

Staring into the darkness,
A warm tear runs down her face.
She's waiting for love to find her
In this lonely place.
Written by: Camille (Puma21)


Wednesday, December 16, 2009


"They found you out? So Hide it better."


Yes yes. I got drunk and doodled some thinspiration.

And I was actually stupid enough to leave it out.




That's what my mom found.

She lectured me.

And made me eat.

I had a salad.

And then it went downhill from there.


That was two days ago.


I'm getting a grip on control.


I'm absolutely determined to see 120 again.



I'm going to start being more careful now though.

Leave plates around.

Make food, bring it upstairs, and throw it away.


I'm working out today.

I need to start making more time for exercise.

I think I'm swimming today.

I know I'm riding bike, boxing, doing different crunch exercises, squats, usual stuff.

Swimming is only if I feel like showing off my nastiness.


Which frankly, I do not.



I work for the rest of the week.

I like my job.

It keeps me running, and it's not hard to turn down their food.


Definate time-sucker.



This is going to be a lot harder to hide,

with everybody watching me.



I promise...

To fast until I reach my goal.


Wish me luck!

I love you guys!



Friday, December 11, 2009


Had a bit of a binge yesterday.


1 salad
1 bowl of soup
8 chips with salsa
3 pickles
4 cookies

Total: 984


I got to 120 yesterday...

Before I stuffed my face.

I weighed myself this morning...


I'm starving until I reach 120 again.

Last time, it took 4 days. But last time, I started at 136.

So, I'm hoping that it'll all be gone by sunday.

If I decide to eat on monday... I WILL stay under 100 calories.

No matter how healthy it is, what the calorie count is, It won't pass my lips until my goal is reached.


Yesterday, my cousin asked me to hold her baby boy. I did. It was fine at first, until I started blacking out. I sat down and realized that I hadn't eaten in 4 days. It probably wasn't a good idea to twirl around in circles, holding a baby.

The dizzy spells are getting worse.

I can't stand up (no matter how careful, or how slowly) without getting tunnel vision and seeing those weird little spots.

Most of the time... I just sit back down, breath, and try again.

I feel so weak, and yet I feel so strong.


My current goal is 120.

My goal when I reach that is to eat 300 calories...

And then starve until I reach 115.

My ultimate goal is 105.

It seems so far away, and yet...

It's within reach.

And that's my motivation.


Good luck to all of you beautiful girls.



Thursday, December 10, 2009


I havn't eaten a single thing since saturday night.


I've pretty much been living off of lemon water, grape/peach juice, and coffee with skim milk n sweet n low for the past 4 days.

I don't plan to eat until I reach 120.

Then I'm going to have a 300 cal day.


And then I'm starting a new fast until I reach 115.




I had to start going to therapy again.

My mom noticed I'd been restricting again and set me up an appt.

I thought that I had been doing a fairly good job at keeping it a secret.


Well, anyways... She made me make her a "deal". She says I can't weigh myself. And I have to eat at least 3 small meals a day. Until my next apt with her. In two weeks. :/ Fuuuck that. I'll end up just telling her I did eat n blahblahblah.

It was supposed to start yesterday. But. I'm not screwing up my fast. I have a plan. I want to be thin.


I have to start lying to N about all this now. I used to tell him about it, but it'd be better for him if he just didn't know I think.

I told him that I had eaten 2 times already before I came to get him yesterday.


I'm feeling really weak today.


I'm also feeling really strong today.





Sunday, December 6, 2009


My Tummy's a growlin at me.

So I'm growlin back.


I fasted yesterday.

I'm Going until wednesday after school.

I haven't weighed myself since I checked n weighed 124. Which. I need to update in my landmarks!


I'm also working out today. I have work at 5:30, but That'll give me about an hour and a half. I'll make it worth it.

I'm going to do everything I possibly can this week.

If anyone wants to go on a fast with me let me know. I want to try for a week. Perhaps this week? We can exchange numbers and keep each other going all week through texts. :p

It may be some good motivation?

Si. Let me know chicas. :)

Ah. Excitement. :P



Grrrr. It says.

No. I say.


Control is a necessity.

Push yourself.

Push until you can't make it another day.

And then push yourself further.

Ask yourself.

How bad do I want this?

Do I have what it takes?


Friday, December 4, 2009


I've been trying to focus mainly on losing weight, of course. But life seems to be getting in the way most days :/.

I made it to 124.


My next gw is 122.

Sorry for the short post.

Stay strong.

One day at a time.


Thursday, December 3, 2009


Accidentally fasted yesterday. Meant to eat 500 cal. Didn't.

Current weight... 125.

Next goal? 123.



Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Today's a 500 calorie day.

Yesterday was suppose to be a 200.

I had around 800. :/

Lesson learned..

..Stay away from home during restricting.

Binged on health food.

Lucky for me, my sister bought me chew before it got outrageously out of hand.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much. Honestly, I'm pretty happy.

Normally I'd have around 3000 on a binge. 800. 800's okay. 800 I can deal with.

But today will be better. It will. I can do a 500 cal day easily. I just have to choose the right foods. Veggies, Fruits, rice, n such.

Just to make up for yesterday, I might fast. If not, I'm going to try to stay around 200. Eat a Special K bar or something perhaps?


Well how is every one else's plans going?

Tell me all about it :)

Were gettin somewhere ladies :']

Good luck to all of you!

Thanks for sticking wif me through all this.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Firstly... I'm proud to say that I stayed under 100 cals yesterday. :)

Secondly... I'm also proud to say that Today is going purely to exercise. :D

And Thirdly... I'm extremely excited to tell you. I went down two pant sizes :'D

Yesyes. I'm officially a size 5-7. I was an 11 when I first started. I kindof have a weird body though. I have wide hips and a huge butt so i normally had to get pretty big pants. But thank god, I'm losing. :)

My mom bought them for me thinking I had been looking smaller, and I was just going to use them for thinspiration. I thought that there was no way I could fit into them. But! i tried them on and they look great. :D I'm so incredibly happy.

Today's a 200 cal day. But I'm feeling really thinspired so perhaps I'll make today a fast day? Yes? Mkay. Fast day it is. :D

Oh man. I feel so in control right now. I can't believe they fit! I'm sorry. I'm so stuck on this. Haha. :p

As soon as I find my camera (which hopefully will be today), I'm going to start posting pictures. Every day possible. It'll give me a reason not to binge! :)

As soon as I get home from school today, I'm going to start working out. I'm going to keep going until 7, and then I'm going to the YMCA to lap swim. :) I havn't worked out in a REALLY long time. I'm talking like, 2 weeks. fuck. Well! A good reason to start today, right? :p

Good luck to all you beautiful girls!

Love you muchly! <3

-Camille :)