...StopAndSayYouLoveMe...

First day of the 4 day fast.

...I Look down

And all I see is failure. :/

Not that I've done THAT bad with my ABC.

But I deem it necessary to start over.

Today.

I havn't weighed myself in 3 days.

In all honestly...

I'm afraid.

---
-----
---

I started chewing on a regular basis.

I hate it.

It's absolutely disgusting.

But it totally kills my appetite.

And if I do it on a totally empty stomach...

Sometimes I throw up.

A Plus.

---
-----
---

Starting new years day.

I start working out every day.

Every single day.

I know that's not always possible.

But it's what I'm aiming for.

---
-----
---

I'm guna try and post more tonight.

And if not I will fer sure be on tomorrow.

I love you guys :)

---
-----
---

.ThinkThin.StayStrong.

-Camille :)

...BreakingDown...

The tears keep falling.
Getting a grip on all of this... is impossible.

My Family, My friends, My boyfriend.

I lie to him. I lie to them. All for what?
Nothing.
I have no reason for the lies that I tell.

Where I'm at. Who I'm with. What I do. Who I talk to. What I eat.
Why do I feel like it's worth it?
When did it get so bad?

I feel so undeserving of anything that will make me happy.

He deserves someone he can trust.
Someone who doesn't disappoint him on a daily basis.
Someone he can hold close and will make him as happy as I know he could be.
Someone... so unlike me.

----
------
----

This is it.
Food has completely taken ahold of me.
Ana is officially what I live for.

I feel so absolutely selfish.
And maybe I am.
Hell, I know I am.
I choose to break the trust of everyone who cares about me,
because I want to be thin.
I'm choosing looks over love.
How conceided is that?

The worst part is.
I know I'm not going to stop.
No matter what they say.
I'm here for Ana.
Nobody else.

They want to believe that therapy will help.
It wont.
They want to believe me when I say that I ate.
They can't.
They want to believe that I'm getting better.
I'm not.

----
------
----

I feel so undeserving.
Of love.
Of care.
Of food.

So I push it all away.

I get angry at myself for allowing myself simple things EVERYONE needs to survive.
Everyone.

----
------
----

I hit 120.
I was proud.
And then, In an instant...
all of these feelings of guilt came up and I just broke.

Is making it to 105 really worth risking the love of everyone who cares about me?
I feel like this disease is making me callous to this place.
All I want to see. All I want to feel. All I want to taste.
Is weight loss.

Anything else is second priority..
And I hate myself for that.

----
------
----

I've completely given myself to Ana.
This self-destructive disease is too much for me to handle alone.
Ana. Please help me.
I Need You.
I Love You.
Take me in.
Let me stay.

----
------
----

.ThinkThin.StayStrong.

-Camille

...TodayIsAGoodDay...

I'm going on day three of my 4 day fast :)

As of last night...

I'm at 122!

Hoorah!

~~~~~~~~~~

My spanish class is having a party next hour.

:/

I'm not going to eat anything though. :)

I made pica de gallo for it.

I hope it's good cause I didn't test it. :p

~~~~~~~~~~

How is everyone doing?

I hope all is well.

You guys keep me goin. :]

And I thank you very much!

~~~~~~~~~~~

I work today.

And tomorrow.

And sunday.

But I don't mind because it keeps me from bingeing!

~~~~~~~~~~~

I can see my hip bones.

And my ribs are showing more and more every day.

:')

~~~~~~~~~~~

Best of luck to you girlies!

.ThinkThin.StayStrong.

-Camille

...WeAreNotAlone...

Ahh.

Sippin ona cold sugar-free amp, sittin in first hour on the computer...

...I feel oober fantastic today.

:)

I weighed myself last night.

125.

I was surprised.

I've been binging the past few days...

...But I fasted yesterday.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I started ABC yesterday.

The first four days are fasting.

Feeling pretty in control for the first time in a long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm hoping to break 120 in the first week or so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even now, In a room full of people...

...I feel so alone.

You guys make me feel cared for.

I love you all so much :)

.ThinkThin.StayStrong.

-Camille

~~~
~~~~~
~~~

NoOne'sThere

She cries her name and listens,
A soft echo in the night.
She reaches for her touch,
wanting arms around her tight.

But no one is there to hold her.
Nobody's there to hear.
She only wants a shoulder
to catch her falling tear.

She looks down at her hands,
Wondering how it'd feel.
The touch of her skin, the brush of her lips,
Teaching her to heal.

Staring into the darkness,
A warm tear runs down her face.
She's waiting for love to find her
In this lonely place.
Written by: Camille (Puma21)

<3

...EverybodyWatchingMe...

"They found you out? So Hide it better."

~~~~~~~~~~

Yes yes. I got drunk and doodled some thinspiration.

And I was actually stupid enough to leave it out.

~~~~~~~~~~

IfIEatAnythingI'llEatEverythingSoI'llEatNothing.

~~~~~~~~~~

That's what my mom found.

She lectured me.

And made me eat.

I had a salad.

And then it went downhill from there.

But!

That was two days ago.

Today?

I'm getting a grip on control.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm absolutely determined to see 120 again.

:)

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm going to start being more careful now though.

Leave plates around.

Make food, bring it upstairs, and throw it away.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm working out today.

I need to start making more time for exercise.

I think I'm swimming today.

I know I'm riding bike, boxing, doing different crunch exercises, squats, usual stuff.

Swimming is only if I feel like showing off my nastiness.

:/

Which frankly, I do not.

haha.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I work for the rest of the week.

I like my job.

It keeps me running, and it's not hard to turn down their food.

:p

Definate time-sucker.

:)

~~~~~~~~~~~

This is going to be a lot harder to hide,

with everybody watching me.

:/

But!

I promise...

To fast until I reach my goal.

:)

Wish me luck!

I love you guys!

.ThinkThin.StayStrong.

-Camille

...Destructive...

Had a bit of a binge yesterday.

:/

1 salad
1 bowl of soup
8 chips with salsa
3 pickles
4 cookies

Total: 984

Damn.

I got to 120 yesterday...

Before I stuffed my face.

I weighed myself this morning...

126.4

I'm starving until I reach 120 again.

Last time, it took 4 days. But last time, I started at 136.

So, I'm hoping that it'll all be gone by sunday.

If I decide to eat on monday... I WILL stay under 100 calories.

No matter how healthy it is, what the calorie count is, It won't pass my lips until my goal is reached.

~~~~

Yesterday, my cousin asked me to hold her baby boy. I did. It was fine at first, until I started blacking out. I sat down and realized that I hadn't eaten in 4 days. It probably wasn't a good idea to twirl around in circles, holding a baby.

The dizzy spells are getting worse.

I can't stand up (no matter how careful, or how slowly) without getting tunnel vision and seeing those weird little spots.

Most of the time... I just sit back down, breath, and try again.

I feel so weak, and yet I feel so strong.

~~~~

My current goal is 120.

My goal when I reach that is to eat 300 calories...

And then starve until I reach 115.

My ultimate goal is 105.

It seems so far away, and yet...

It's within reach.

And that's my motivation.

~~~~

Good luck to all of you beautiful girls.

.ThinkThin.StayStrong.

-Camille

...Fast:Day4...

I havn't eaten a single thing since saturday night.

:)

I've pretty much been living off of lemon water, grape/peach juice, and coffee with skim milk n sweet n low for the past 4 days.

I don't plan to eat until I reach 120.

Then I'm going to have a 300 cal day.

:/

And then I'm starting a new fast until I reach 115.

:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bleh.

I had to start going to therapy again.

My mom noticed I'd been restricting again and set me up an appt.

I thought that I had been doing a fairly good job at keeping it a secret.

Ugh.

Well, anyways... She made me make her a "deal". She says I can't weigh myself. And I have to eat at least 3 small meals a day. Until my next apt with her. In two weeks. :/ Fuuuck that. I'll end up just telling her I did eat n blahblahblah.

It was supposed to start yesterday. But. I'm not screwing up my fast. I have a plan. I want to be thin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to start lying to N about all this now. I used to tell him about it, but it'd be better for him if he just didn't know I think.

I told him that I had eaten 2 times already before I came to get him yesterday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm feeling really weak today.

But.

I'm also feeling really strong today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.ThinkThin.
.Stay.Strong.

-Camille

~~~~~~~~~

...GrrToYouToo...

My Tummy's a growlin at me.

So I'm growlin back.

:)

I fasted yesterday.

I'm Going until wednesday after school.

I haven't weighed myself since I checked n weighed 124. Which. I need to update in my landmarks!

:)

I'm also working out today. I have work at 5:30, but That'll give me about an hour and a half. I'll make it worth it.

I'm going to do everything I possibly can this week.

If anyone wants to go on a fast with me let me know. I want to try for a week. Perhaps this week? We can exchange numbers and keep each other going all week through texts. :p

It may be some good motivation?

Si. Let me know chicas. :)

Ah. Excitement. :P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...

Grrrr. It says.

No. I say.

Control.

Control is a necessity.

Push yourself.

Push until you can't make it another day.

And then push yourself further.

Ask yourself.

How bad do I want this?

Do I have what it takes?

...

...Thinspiration...

I've been trying to focus mainly on losing weight, of course. But life seems to be getting in the way most days :/.

I made it to 124.

:)

My next gw is 122.

Sorry for the short post.

Stay strong.

One day at a time.

-Camille

...Fasting...

Accidentally fasted yesterday. Meant to eat 500 cal. Didn't.

Current weight... 125.

Next goal? 123.

:)

-Camille

...TheNumber500...

Today's a 500 calorie day.

Yesterday was suppose to be a 200.

I had around 800. :/

Lesson learned..

..Stay away from home during restricting.

Binged on health food.

Lucky for me, my sister bought me chew before it got outrageously out of hand.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much. Honestly, I'm pretty happy.

Normally I'd have around 3000 on a binge. 800. 800's okay. 800 I can deal with.

But today will be better. It will. I can do a 500 cal day easily. I just have to choose the right foods. Veggies, Fruits, rice, n such.

Just to make up for yesterday, I might fast. If not, I'm going to try to stay around 200. Eat a Special K bar or something perhaps?

:)

Well how is every one else's plans going?

Tell me all about it :)

Were gettin somewhere ladies :']

Good luck to all of you!

Thanks for sticking wif me through all this.

-Camille

...OhYeah...

Firstly... I'm proud to say that I stayed under 100 cals yesterday. :)

Secondly... I'm also proud to say that Today is going purely to exercise. :D

And Thirdly... I'm extremely excited to tell you. I went down two pant sizes :'D

Yesyes. I'm officially a size 5-7. I was an 11 when I first started. I kindof have a weird body though. I have wide hips and a huge butt so i normally had to get pretty big pants. But thank god, I'm losing. :)

My mom bought them for me thinking I had been looking smaller, and I was just going to use them for thinspiration. I thought that there was no way I could fit into them. But! i tried them on and they look great. :D I'm so incredibly happy.

Today's a 200 cal day. But I'm feeling really thinspired so perhaps I'll make today a fast day? Yes? Mkay. Fast day it is. :D

Oh man. I feel so in control right now. I can't believe they fit! I'm sorry. I'm so stuck on this. Haha. :p

As soon as I find my camera (which hopefully will be today), I'm going to start posting pictures. Every day possible. It'll give me a reason not to binge! :)

As soon as I get home from school today, I'm going to start working out. I'm going to keep going until 7, and then I'm going to the YMCA to lap swim. :) I havn't worked out in a REALLY long time. I'm talking like, 2 weeks. fuck. Well! A good reason to start today, right? :p

Good luck to all you beautiful girls!

Love you muchly! <3

-Camille :)

...OhDear...

I'm starting clear over. I'm back to where I started anyways so I have to clear my landmarks. dammmnnnn.

CW: 136
HW: 160
LW: 112
ShortTermGW: 130
LongTermGW: 105
JeanSize: 9
ShortTermGoalSize: 5-7

Going to Coldwater was fun. They ate a bunch of fast food though. Bleh.

Today I'm on a Coffee/sunflower seed fast. I've had one cup of coffee this morning, so I can have one more after school.

Is there a certain age you have to be to buy laxatives? I'm in desperate need.

I feel so determined! I love it! I'm pumped to feel empty again. Even if I work today, I'm working out for at least an hour. I'm going to every day. I just need to push myself a little harder.

I like this starting over crap. It makes it seem a little easier knowing that I've been there before and I know I can do it again. :).

Who wants to do this with me?

Here's this week's plan:

Day1: <100 cals
Day2: 200
Day3: 500
Day4: Fast
Day5: Fast
Day6: 100
Day7: 500

Aaaand Next week:

Day8: Fast
Day9: Fast
Day10: 100
Day11: 300
Day12: 500
Day13: 200
Day14: 500

I'm going to fast at least two days every week. On the third week I'm going to have two fast days, restrict two days, and fast again. I'm super excited about this.

My mom and sisters went to the mall. They all say I look really skinny lately. And so they bought me some jeans :). The thing is. They thought I looked smaller than both my sisters. And my stomach might be, but I have wider hips. So they don't fit. Of course. They're size 5 and 7. That's my next goal. To fit into these jeans :). I'm excited. This motivates me more than anything else I've tried.

Every time I feel myself getting hungry. I'm going to picture myself. Looking all skinny and gorgeous wearing these jeans. No muffintop. No thunderthighs. I will be thin. :)

14 followers :'). Thank you all so much for supporting me in this!

Good luck pretties.

-Camille

...OneDayAtATime...

Welp, I managed to resist food all day. Then my sister dropped me and my bf off at the mall. fuck. fuck the mall. fuck food. I had Imperial. I can't ever seem to resist that disgusting fake chinese crap. And then. We went to Candiopolis. Ugh. I hate being a candy fanatic.

Maybe I can forgive myself. Just this one time. I'll try not to stay stuck on this. Move on. Go for another day. I guess that's really all I can do.

I need laxatives. Need to clean myself out. Need to feel empty again.

How can I feel so strong one moment, and the next I'm stuffing my face again? No wonder I don't see any change. It's probably because there isn't any. Fasting for two days and then binging the next isn't going to make anyone lose weight.

I'm feeling kind of depressed again lately. I don't really want to be around anyone. Just want to sit in my room alone with my thoughts. It's just one of those days.

I'm leaving today for Coldwater with da bf. 2 1/2 hour car ride. Alone with N and our thoughts. Maybe I'll get some time to myself when we get there. But, that's kind of selfish. I guess I'll just suck it up.

We won't get back until Sunday, so I probably won't be posting until then. Or at least I highly doubt it.

Does anyone want to fast with me when I get back?

Anybody else feel like starving until you see stars?

I'm to that point. But it'll have to wait until after thanksgiving break. :/

But good luck to all of you.

Stay strong.

-Camille

I am currently 128lbs. I wish it was less, yes. but! With all that I ate yesterday I figured I'd weigh around 132. So. I'm not too horrifically dissapointed I suppose.

I'm fasting today and tomorrow. I'm trying to lose as much as I can before thanksgiving. I'm going to meet my boyfriends family 2 1/2 hours away. I'm super excited, but I tend to get homesick really easily. So. We'll see how it goes.

I bought a whole bunch of low-cal/sugar-free/fat-free food. *ByTheWay!* I friggin love lemon flavored low cal jell-o. It makes my heart smile. :)

Is anyone else having troubles getting themselves up for exercise? I can't even remember the last time I did. I think it might've been a week ago.. ish? :S Ugh. Well. I don't work today. And we're leaving for Coldwater tomorrow. So, I need to get myself up and going today.

My plan for thanksgiving: I can't just NOT eat. His family is going to be working really hard to cook an amazing meal. So. I'll take a little bit of everything. I won't go back for seconds. I'll drink water. And I'll purge. I hate the thought of doing that in someone else's house, but there's no way I can keep that much food in my body. And if I can't purge, then I'll just not eat that much. I'll try to make it look like I did or something. I duno. Any suggestions?

I've gone from 140 to 128 since I started this. So apparently I'm doing something right. But. I see no difference. And it's horrifically discouraging to go through all this and feel no different. Bleh.

Well. I'm off to finish homework.

Good luck to everyone. Thanks so much for the support :']

-Camille

...Quiz...

Size: 7 (US)
Age: 16
Highest Weight: 150
Lowest Weight: 117
Goal Weight: 105 lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
Rice cakes, low cal bagels, diet coke, sugar free jell-o

Favorite Binge Food?
PbJ

Favorite Exercise?
Biking, boxing

Thinspo?
Real girls

What Makes You Slip Up?
Not keeping myself busy

What Makes You Strong?
Seeing change when I look in the mirror. :')

When Did It Start?
12 years of age.

Does Anyone Know?
Family and boyfriend

Do You Want Help?
No.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
I recently went from fast-binge episodes to 500 cal diet.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
Someone who needs to be covered. I wear a lot of baggy sweatshirts.

Are You In A Relationship?
Yes.

Is It For Attention?
I'm doing it to make myself feel better about me. To be confident. To like who I am. I like hearing that I look pretty. Or I look skinny.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Im not the fat one. Not the thin one either.

Are You Depressed?
Mhrmm.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
Yes.

Ever Been To A Therapist?
I am currently.

Are You On Any Medication?
Lexapro, sprintec, trazadone, cymbalta

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast
[x] vegan

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[ ] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people

I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

...Whoa...

I'm really quite proud of myself. :). I started off the day yesterday planning on eating around 500 calories. Made fat-free jello, fat-free pudding, salad wif fat-free dressing, helped my sister make supper, made my other sister a pizza, went with my boyfriend, his dad, and his sister to go get ice cream.

Passed up every single one of them. I had a stalk of celery. And nothing else. :) I was actually letting myself eat, but for once passed it up. I was amazed at my control yesterday.

Once again, I put off weighing myself. I don't know if it's because I'm scared, or if I just want to make sure I lose weight before I check again. I'm not exactly sure. But. I want to super bad.

Once again, again.. :p.. I put off working out. >:(. damn. I had a super busy day. Came home from school, went to Dillons, made all this food (which I guess was unnecessary... I shoulda worked out instead), went to a play wif da bf, went out for ice cream wif his dad n sister, came home, cleaned my room, and went to bed. Goddam my room is pretty much spotless. When did I become such a perfectionist? haha.

I had black coffee this morning. Yumyum. I bought a whole buncha health food stuff yesterday. So, if i decide to binge, I have no reason to eat the high-cal crap. :). Then I won't go on a 2 week long binge again :/. Blecky.

I work tonight. 5:30-9. I hope it goes by quick. It's friday, so I'll be staying busy. :). I'll pretty much have to speed-walk for 3 1/2 hours straight. haha. Good deal. :p.

I wish I could get motivated enough to go run. I did it for a while last year, and got pretty into it, but I just can't these days.. hmm. :/

I wish I could find my camera. Take some pictures of my progress. I've been trying to on my phone... but my phone pretty much sucks. :/.

Anywayyyyssss...

Good luck to you all this weekend. :).

I probably won't be on much. :/.

But! I will definately try my very hardest! :p

One slow day at a time, lovelies.

-Camille

...CravingChange...

Soooo.. I decided to try the 500cal diet. I can eat less, but no more than that every day. Yesterday went well :).

1/2 pb&j uncrustable - 160
Small bag of trail mix (minus m&ms) - 140
4 small apple slices - 40ish..?
1/8 cup raisins - 60
1/3 oatmeal bar - 100

Total: 500 exactly :).

I've been extremely crampy n bloated. Yay for being a girl. :p. Soooo.. I havn't had much motivation to get off my ass n go exercise. But! I am today! I'm not going to let another chance of losing calories slip through my fingers again. :)

I havn't weighed myself innnn... lets see... 4 days? Sounds about right. And then was right after a huge binge. I weighed 130. :/. But on the plus side! I know I don't weigh that much today :). I'll check right after school. Maybe that'll be some good motivation. It seems that's all I really need. Someone or something to tell me that what I'm doing is working. That it won't be for nothing. Cause I'm tired of hearing the other way around. :/.

I got to sleep last night around 2:30. Had to wake up at 6. Bleh. Definately guna need a nap after school today. My head is throbbing and the ibuprofen didn't help my headache or the cramps. Ughhhhh. I just wana curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. lol. :p.

I don't know what my problem with sleeping is anymore. I just can't seem to clear my head. I just lay awake in the dark trying so hard to sleep, but all that does is stress me out until I break into tears. Then I get a headache. Then it's even HARDER to get to sleep. Ugh.

I cried a lot yesterday.

My uncle commit suicide last month. And my mom found the CD him and his band made. He's the lead singer. Gorgeous voice. I haven't heard it since they played his CD at his funeral. Hurt then too. All I can see is him on stage singing his heart out. He was such an amazing person. Always happy. Always had a joke. He knew how to keep people laughing. I miss him a lot. It's not fair..

Sorry. Sob story. Haha.

Anyways..

I'll get on tomorrow morning and post how today went.. or maybe I'll be back on tonight..

Weeelllll...

I don't know about you guys... but I'm craving some change.

-Camille

...BleckyBlecky...

Fail. Things went well until about 9 last night. Then Mom made some meat loaf thing. It was like a bunch of giant meatballs but I had one. And mashed potatoes. and a rice crispy treat. and cashews with raisins. I drank water instead of pop though. Still, I didn't get to work out. Again. I haven't in, i think, three days now. Blecky. I should have purged last night. Ugh. I have no clue why I didn't.

Buuuut anyways, I had a few bites of an apple this morning, so I'm set for the next three days. Ugh. I'm so unbelievably bloated. I'm so tired of letting myself down. Every time I set a goal, I screw it up. Every time. Just once, I want to go a whole week following my plan. I don't know what happened to me last night. I went in to the day so confident. I just broke.

Today will be better. Today isn't a fast, obviously, but, I won't be eating anything else for the next three days :). I promise. I'm not going to let you all, or myself down again.

My boyfriend came over this morning at 6 to wake me up. It was sweet. Except that I was in my underwear. Normally, I don't care. And it wasn't that big of a deal because it was dark, but I regret last night so much, I got up and got dressed before he saw me. Today's a definate T-shirt day. T-shirt n loose jeans. :/. Sexy.

So. I was just sitting around last night thinking..

..I went to the hospital last year because I passed out during school. It didn't hit me until that day that I had an eating disorder. And even then, it took about 12 people to convince me. I had always thought what I did was normal. But back then I pretty much refused to eat anytime. Ugh. I miss my control. Anyways. I had to start going to therapy and she would ask me what I had to eat that day. And I would lie, of course, but she always knew. She would always weigh me when I walked into her room. I started filling my pockets with change and things like that. She knew. She'd make me empty my pockets. And I'd always weigh less walking in there. I weighed around 115 then. *sigh*. But my point is, do girls with eating disorders tell themselves they don't? Or do they know that they do, and just convince everyone else they don't? Because back then, I honestly thought what I did was totally normal. I would refuse to eat. Purge what I did eat. I always had 2 laxatives before bed, whether or not I ate that day. It's not nearly as severe now, as much as I wish it were, but what we do is obviously not normal. It took me a long time to figure that out.

Well. I'm not going to post again until I'm back to 126. I'll be on here to check on your blogs and to comment of course. :)

Good luck pretties!

-Camille

...AnotherFast:DayOne...

I'm going for no more and no less than a three day fast. I'm not going to try and do something I know I can't handle. I just set myself up for dissapointment time and time again. Monday, tuesday, and wednesday, I'm not going to eat. Not only punishment for eating last week, but also punishment for what I did to N this weekend. (Btw. I told him last night. :/. It could've gone better.) :(.

I've decided to go vegetarian. Maybe that will make it easier not to binge. I've always kind of been a wana-be vegan. I always feel terrible about eating any kind of meat, fish, or egg. It's revolting to me how someone can enjoy devouring a once living thing or something that was supposed to be alive. I have no clue why I haven't done this before. :S

I had a cup of black coffee this morning. It always makes me feel bleh on an empty stomach, but that usually makes me too nauseous to eat. So. Yay. :)

Is it cheating to have a cup of broth on a fast? I sometimes drink a half a cup or a cup to keep me from bingeing. I guess it's better than that. It's only 5-10 cals though, so I wouldn't think so, but i duno. :/

Ah! I decided I liked the cold shower thing :). I usually take an unbelievably hot bath and scrub away all the dead skin and then I'll get out and turn the shower on a little colder than body temp, get in, and make it so cold I can barely stand it. I'll stand there shivering, but knowing I'm burning calories :).

Erm. Working outs going pretty good. I havn't really noticed much of a difference, but other people compliment my arms and legs, and my stomach every once in while if they see me shirtless. ;D. haha. It makes me feel hella good. But it also makes me want to keep going with it. Yay for motivation! :p.

Right now I'm in first hour. I'll be back in here third hour to post more if I think of anything else I wana put down ;p. Wish me luck! Its guna be a long three days. :/.

-Camille

p.s.- To the two following me :), Thanks so much for your support! It makes each day a little easier knowing there's someone right there with me. :). And good luck to the both of you through this. You know I'm always here! :D. You're beautiful, strong girls and I hope you reach your goal! :)

...Failure.Dissapointment.AndSuch...

Heh. So much fer not eatin til da bf came back. :/. I'm not too horrifically worried though. For the past two days I've been sleeping until 4 in the afternoon and wouldn't have time to eat until after work. Yesterday all I had time for was some soup and crackers. Today I ate at applebees wif my sisters. Hada steak n mashed taters. >:p. Bleck. The vegies were yummy though! :)

But, as i've mentioned before, I love mondays. The start of a new fast. I can usually go a few days without food and only eat a little when I feel the need to binge. The funny thing about my binges is they're never blind. I always start out with, "Oh. If I just eat this little bit of a salad, I'll feel better." And then that turns into, "I might as well finish this salad." And then THAT turns into "I might as well eat something that I know I'll regret later. But hell! It tastes good!" all the while I know that I don't want it. I know I won't be able to purge it up anymore than a few bites. But I continue to take one bite after another.

I went and hung out with this guy I havn't talked to In a long time. (M). He was my best friend in 8th grade. We used to chill all the time. Talk about everything. We got hella close. And then we just stoped talking. It was hella weird. But anyways. M texted me friday night. I asked him what he was doin n he said he was out at a campsite and told me i should come too. I told him prolly not but to hit me up when he got back into town. He did. Bout 20 minutes later. He asked if he could come pick me up and I let him. We went back to his place n smoked a lil weed. We were guna go outside n make a fire but he thought it was too cold and asked if we could watch a movie. I told him yeah, as long as I could pick. I did. Tommy Boy :). We were sittin on his bed, half payin attention to the movie, but mostly just talkin. And he told me to "Come here". I asked him what for. And he kinda playfully tackled me and i ended up on my back. And he said "because..." and got his face a little closer to mine. "Because..." And he kissed me. Things went on from there. We didn't have sex. He kept sayin "I wana do so many things to you.." I feel like a total skank. I asked him to take me home. I told him I could spend the night sat. But didn't. The thing is.. I would have. As bad as I feel, I know I would have kept going.

But fuckk. I liked M alot. I still do. I love N though. He's my life. And then there's about 8 other people I'm crazy bout. I wana be single. I forgot what it's like. I'm thinkin bout breakin up wif N. But I don't want him outa my life ferever. I still wana be just as close.. but there I go again. Selfish me. :/.

Ugh. I need another beer.

-Camille

...AndBlahBlahBlahBlahBlah...

Daddys says no more computer. Somethin bout somethin. So I gotsta make this a quick one.

A nasty two binge days. Horrah. Go me. :/.

Mah baybay comes back from Canada on sunday. Two days. I'm not guna eat again til monday at the very least.

I'm going to a party tonight I'm hoping. There's spose to be a cool chick there one of my guy friends is tryin to set me up with. She sounds pretty awesome. Really cute. Likes a lot of the same things I do. :). We'll see how that one goes.

Nothing really happened at the court hearing. The judge appointed me a lawyer. A hella good one. So hopefully I'll get a diversion. :). *Crosses fingers*

Welp. Much Love. =)

...Fast:DayThree...

I woke up this morning feeling like absolute crap. So I cheated myself. But only a little. I had a bite of an oatmeal bar, two slices of an apple, and a glass of milk. I figured that should get me through the next few days. :). I don't think that I'm going to count it, only because I can work off 200 cals in no time.

I fell asleep right after work. Busy night. So, I didn't get the chance to workout. But with my little bit of a meal this morning, I feel great. haha. So, I'm going to workout for two hours and then go take a shower.

I have a court hearing today. About a month ago, I got caught stealing diet pills from walmart. And since there was an anti theft sticker on the box, and I took the bottle out of the box, It's considered a felony instead of just a misdemenor. Fml. So yeah. Hopefully they decide I'm a good girl who made a stupid mistake. They shouldn't make it to where you have to be 18 to buy the dumb things. :p haha. Well, I'm outrageously frightened. :/. The suggested punishment for a felony charge is 4-17 months in juvie. :/. All for a dumb bottle of pills. Yay. :(.

Well, I'm headed to the basement. (At home gyms rock :p). I'll probably be on later tonight or tomorrow morning to letchu know how today went! Wish me luck pretties!

-Camille

...Fast:DayTwo...

:) I got through day one easily! Yay! I didn't weigh myself. I decided to save that for tomorrow morning. Give me inspiration to get through day three. :p.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it 4 days just yet. I'm going to eat a yogurt friday morning and then try for 3 more days. Food just doesn't even sound good anymore. I don't really have to fight it.

:/ Ughhh. My head is throbbing and my stomach wont stop growling. I need to get more sleep.

I need to work out desperately. I havn't done anything in almost 4 days. I will tonight after work. I'm training a new girl, so hopefully she'll be somewhat helpful tonight and maybe I'll actually get done by 8:30. That'll give me 2 1/2 hours to workout, then I can take a cold bath and be in bed by 12 :).

I'll have 2 hours after school to be with my boyfriend before I have to go to work and he leaves for Canada until sunday. I can't waste that time eating anyways. I'm going to miss him terribly. I pretty much have no life beyond him. We're going on 5 months now :). Oh goodness. He makes me so happy.

It kills me sometimes to lie to him about all this, but when he found out about my constricting, he flipped out. So I've managed to convince him that not only am I eating, but regular meals. So now the only person who knows what I do is my best friend, M. I love her to death. She doesn't seem to mind when she's eating and I'm just sitting there with a water. Nopenope. She's friggin awesome. ;)

I kinda need some ideas on how to keep myself busy.. besides working out. Keep my mind off of food. I'll work on it. :)

<3>

...Fast:DayOne...

Back to 131 as of yesterday. Feeling like crap, I have to keep going. :/

Monday's are my favorite. Who cares what I ate last week? Lets do better this week! :D

Today I've had black coffee and a cup of a strawberry julius. Strawberries, milk, sugar, vanilla, and ice. Not too bad... but I still feel like I failed this morning. Oh well. What's done is done. If I work hard today I'll be able to burn that off in no time. :). I'm a hostess/busser at Montana Mikes. If it's busy I'm pretty much jogging for 3 1/2 hours straight. Then I clean, sweep, vacuum, and mop the bathrooms before I go home at 9.

I need to figure out what my triggers are. I seem to always binge after the first day or two of fasting. I think I just need to keep myself busier. Today after school I'm going to be with my boyfriend before he leaves for Canada :/. It's going to suck without him, but it'll give me that extra time to work on my body without him being suspicious.

I'm going to weigh 125 by next monday. It's not a choice. I will. I know what it will take to get through each day, but I'm going to get there. I know I can. Food isn't that great. All it does to me anymore is mock me. Tell me I'm a failure. I'm going to prove that wrong. Day one of my fast. Here we go..

-Camille

...SelfishMe...

Maybe this is a little bit selfish, but you don't have to tell me that. I want your support. I don't want to hide from you. No matter what you say or what I tell you is the truth, I'm not going to stop. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't trust me with other things.. It doesn't mean that I'm lying to you all the time. It just means that I'm going to do whatever it takes to continue doing what I'm doing.

There's no way in hell I'm going to stop just because you show me a few long term side effects. I have them memorized. They don't scare me anymore. Honestly, I think it's a buncha bullshit.

As many tears as you make me cry telling me that you hate it and telling me all that you hate about it, It wont stop me either. This isn't about you hun. This one thing in my life is finally about me, and I'm not giving it up anytime soon.

I'm going to love my body no matter what it takes. If that means starving myself until I feel my insides tear, fine. If that means running until I collapse, great. I'm pushing my body to it's absolute limit, and I'm not going to let what you have to say stop me from reaching my goal. I want to say I'm sorry, but I really don't think I am.

Call me selfish. I know I am. If this is what it takes for me to be happy, then so be it.