Monday, December 21, 2009


The tears keep falling.
Getting a grip on all of this... is impossible.

My Family, My friends, My boyfriend.

I lie to him. I lie to them. All for what?
I have no reason for the lies that I tell.

Where I'm at. Who I'm with. What I do. Who I talk to. What I eat.
Why do I feel like it's worth it?
When did it get so bad?

I feel so undeserving of anything that will make me happy.

He deserves someone he can trust.
Someone who doesn't disappoint him on a daily basis.
Someone he can hold close and will make him as happy as I know he could be.
Someone... so unlike me.


This is it.
Food has completely taken ahold of me.
Ana is officially what I live for.

I feel so absolutely selfish.
And maybe I am.
Hell, I know I am.
I choose to break the trust of everyone who cares about me,
because I want to be thin.
I'm choosing looks over love.
How conceided is that?

The worst part is.
I know I'm not going to stop.
No matter what they say.
I'm here for Ana.
Nobody else.

They want to believe that therapy will help.
It wont.
They want to believe me when I say that I ate.
They can't.
They want to believe that I'm getting better.
I'm not.


I feel so undeserving.
Of love.
Of care.
Of food.

So I push it all away.

I get angry at myself for allowing myself simple things EVERYONE needs to survive.


I hit 120.
I was proud.
And then, In an instant...
all of these feelings of guilt came up and I just broke.

Is making it to 105 really worth risking the love of everyone who cares about me?
I feel like this disease is making me callous to this place.
All I want to see. All I want to feel. All I want to taste.
Is weight loss.

Anything else is second priority..
And I hate myself for that.


I've completely given myself to Ana.
This self-destructive disease is too much for me to handle alone.
Ana. Please help me.
I Need You.
I Love You.
Take me in.
Let me stay.





  1. Camille,
    Thanks for support, now I know what's that.
    I'm with you.
    You can do this.
    We can do this.
    Stay strong.

  2. Sometimes losing yourself in this is the only way to find yourself, like yourself, and LIVE your life.
    I'm sorry you're so upset.

  3. I feel like you've taken everything I've been wishing I could say for the past few days and put it right here, for me to read.

    Thank you.

    And you're not alone. I don't know how much that's worth from a complete stranger, but it's true. We hate what we love the most in the world...this disease that heals our every hurt also causes us the most pain.

    We're walking contradictions. This is who we are. It's so hard...and that's why we have each other.

    Stay strong. <3