Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Fail. Things went well until about 9 last night. Then Mom made some meat loaf thing. It was like a bunch of giant meatballs but I had one. And mashed potatoes. and a rice crispy treat. and cashews with raisins. I drank water instead of pop though. Still, I didn't get to work out. Again. I haven't in, i think, three days now. Blecky. I should have purged last night. Ugh. I have no clue why I didn't.

Buuuut anyways, I had a few bites of an apple this morning, so I'm set for the next three days. Ugh. I'm so unbelievably bloated. I'm so tired of letting myself down. Every time I set a goal, I screw it up. Every time. Just once, I want to go a whole week following my plan. I don't know what happened to me last night. I went in to the day so confident. I just broke.

Today will be better. Today isn't a fast, obviously, but, I won't be eating anything else for the next three days :). I promise. I'm not going to let you all, or myself down again.

My boyfriend came over this morning at 6 to wake me up. It was sweet. Except that I was in my underwear. Normally, I don't care. And it wasn't that big of a deal because it was dark, but I regret last night so much, I got up and got dressed before he saw me. Today's a definate T-shirt day. T-shirt n loose jeans. :/. Sexy.

So. I was just sitting around last night thinking..

..I went to the hospital last year because I passed out during school. It didn't hit me until that day that I had an eating disorder. And even then, it took about 12 people to convince me. I had always thought what I did was normal. But back then I pretty much refused to eat anytime. Ugh. I miss my control. Anyways. I had to start going to therapy and she would ask me what I had to eat that day. And I would lie, of course, but she always knew. She would always weigh me when I walked into her room. I started filling my pockets with change and things like that. She knew. She'd make me empty my pockets. And I'd always weigh less walking in there. I weighed around 115 then. *sigh*. But my point is, do girls with eating disorders tell themselves they don't? Or do they know that they do, and just convince everyone else they don't? Because back then, I honestly thought what I did was totally normal. I would refuse to eat. Purge what I did eat. I always had 2 laxatives before bed, whether or not I ate that day. It's not nearly as severe now, as much as I wish it were, but what we do is obviously not normal. It took me a long time to figure that out.

Well. I'm not going to post again until I'm back to 126. I'll be on here to check on your blogs and to comment of course. :)

Good luck pretties!



  1. It sounds like you had a rough night :( Perhaps there is some comfort in knowing that the food will be gone soon.

    Your boyfriend sounds sweet, but that was kind of bad timing haha.

    Today is definitely a loose tshirt kind of day :/

    When I was in high school, I would have half a sandwich in front of my dad at night, and never anything else. Looking back, it seemed so natural, so easy. I was sent to doctors and psychiatrists, but I still never saw what I was doing as wrong. So at least in my case, I didn't think of myself as having an eating disorder and I had to convince everyone else to think the same.

    I hope you feel better and are successful with not eating for the next few days

    Have a good day :)

  2. I didn't think I had an eating disorder either.
    All I knew was that I was losing weight and
    that I didn't care whether I ate or not. But
    once everybody got worried and I looked up
    what anorexia was like, it kind of just hit me
    that I could have it. And here I am....

    Sorry last night wasn't well.... That is
    exactly why I am trying not to plan out a
    perfect day.. just leads to a major fail....

    Hope today was better!


    Haha, and thanks for the "victory dance"!

  3. For a while, I kept saying "I'm not anorexic" to people who asked. I even had convinced myself I wasn't because I said it so much. But then my friend confronted me seriously, and we talked about it. That was when I figured out that my eating habits were a mess. But that didn't mean I wanted to change them. I wish they were more serious, maybe then I'd lose some weight...

    Don't worry, we both wore t-shirts and jeans today. :P