Sunday, November 15, 2009


Heh. So much fer not eatin til da bf came back. :/. I'm not too horrifically worried though. For the past two days I've been sleeping until 4 in the afternoon and wouldn't have time to eat until after work. Yesterday all I had time for was some soup and crackers. Today I ate at applebees wif my sisters. Hada steak n mashed taters. >:p. Bleck. The vegies were yummy though! :)

But, as i've mentioned before, I love mondays. The start of a new fast. I can usually go a few days without food and only eat a little when I feel the need to binge. The funny thing about my binges is they're never blind. I always start out with, "Oh. If I just eat this little bit of a salad, I'll feel better." And then that turns into, "I might as well finish this salad." And then THAT turns into "I might as well eat something that I know I'll regret later. But hell! It tastes good!" all the while I know that I don't want it. I know I won't be able to purge it up anymore than a few bites. But I continue to take one bite after another.

I went and hung out with this guy I havn't talked to In a long time. (M). He was my best friend in 8th grade. We used to chill all the time. Talk about everything. We got hella close. And then we just stoped talking. It was hella weird. But anyways. M texted me friday night. I asked him what he was doin n he said he was out at a campsite and told me i should come too. I told him prolly not but to hit me up when he got back into town. He did. Bout 20 minutes later. He asked if he could come pick me up and I let him. We went back to his place n smoked a lil weed. We were guna go outside n make a fire but he thought it was too cold and asked if we could watch a movie. I told him yeah, as long as I could pick. I did. Tommy Boy :). We were sittin on his bed, half payin attention to the movie, but mostly just talkin. And he told me to "Come here". I asked him what for. And he kinda playfully tackled me and i ended up on my back. And he said "because..." and got his face a little closer to mine. "Because..." And he kissed me. Things went on from there. We didn't have sex. He kept sayin "I wana do so many things to you.." I feel like a total skank. I asked him to take me home. I told him I could spend the night sat. But didn't. The thing is.. I would have. As bad as I feel, I know I would have kept going.

But fuckk. I liked M alot. I still do. I love N though. He's my life. And then there's about 8 other people I'm crazy bout. I wana be single. I forgot what it's like. I'm thinkin bout breakin up wif N. But I don't want him outa my life ferever. I still wana be just as close.. but there I go again. Selfish me. :/.

Ugh. I need another beer.


1 comment:

  1. That is exactly how I've been feeling about
    fasting/eating as well.... WHY do we have to
    torture ourselves?! I hope your fast goes
    smooth =)

    Being single is good. I hope it suits you
    well. Fits me perfectly. Heck, I can't even
    handle one life.

    Good luck!